Searching For Sorry

I search my inbox daily for an apology some sort of recognition for the words that cruely tore my life apart . I search in the hope that one day your realise the severity Of what was said and the consequences that followed . I find myself searching for something that will never appear . Ive been on the train of forgiveness so many times before and yet it still chugs along with no signs of stopping . Maybe my station is closure . Yet why do we feel the need to grasp at closure to move on . Things left unsaid , maybe it’s out of pure selfishness to ensure our own guilt doesn’t weigh us down, maybe it’s out of hurt and spite that we feel the need to share the pain of the consequences . Without knowing the consequences you fail to understand the torment caused , saving yourself from guilt . But in the same breathe stubbornness sweeps upon me , why should I ? Justify my continious hurt and betrayal so you can sleep soundly at night when I welcome the darkness that surrounds me . The peaceful comfort of being alone . Relieved. I find it difficult to comprehend how something that has moulded my next step in life could easily be swept aside by someone else , caused the trauma . Do people Freely destroy other humans because it’s easy ? Ignoring the signs that damage us ,has not just been caused but continues to rattle through their veins , because the prospect of admitting their own guilt will lead them to remorse ? I search for an apology that doesnt in fact reside in anyone but me , im sorry for allowing myself to be open to such conflict and Hesitation , I’m sorry for not trusting my instincts and I’m really sorry for ever expecting anything let alone an apology . Ive waited so long for something that didn’t exist . Something I actually needed to find in myself . An apology to myself .  


The Child Army Of Four

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