The Mother Of All Truth

Like an addiction, she stood there , gazed upon my child like eyes , I’m waiting for a glimpse of recognition. She stares blankly at me like I’m sort of habit that she hasn’t been able to break for six years or more . She’s here but her mind leads her astray. I mirror her pose , unable to read her thoughts , there’s nothing there . who Is this woman ? Would she recognise me if I was less broken inside , at some point I must of held her heart , dropped it without acknowledging. What have I done ? My head begins to spin, I feel my knees trembling , what do I do? Looking back I tried for so many years to be the child that proud parents talk about . I sat and listened as tears continually rolled down her face , stretched my arms out at every opportunity and tried to embrace the pure failure , squeezing so tight that maybe it would explode into dust , clear the disappointment from her mind . The disappointment of me . Maybe if I didn’t exist , that would be the push that she needed to see light again. Why wouldn’t she hug me back? Apologies were silent , she couldn’t hear them, I could hear them echoing in every movement I made. This guilt consumed me, wasn’t I a good girl? I wore that dress you chose , I combed my hair, I did all that you asked . I didn’t want to, I felt slightly uneasy, who was this man, she comforted me with words of reassurance that he was safe, they were friends , a fragile man, the scent of his dated cologne ticked my nose ... i wriggled , I’m so unsure , her piercing eyes staring back from me across the room. His spindly hand runs across my lap , I begin to take deep breaths , glancing around the room as she spoke to his wife , entombed in her own armchair she doesnt look upon her husband who nuzzles into my neck . i don’t feel safe, what’s wrong with me? Why does he keep stroking my thighs , I dont know what’s happening but I feel like I’m falling , is this affection? His hands slowly move up towards my pelvic area , I want to go home, my childhood mind contemplating how much trouble I’m going to be in . Why did she send daddy away? How long is he going to be ? daddy never touched me like this , maybe daddy doesn’t love me , my hesitations becoming stronger , she looks at me and nods , signifying I’m ok, that this is ok. my mind switches to my fathers hand leading me away, in my mind , the physical torment made upon my skin is torn away for moments at a time , I close my eyes , glistening tears roll down my face , one at a time, they can’t be seen. Tears that if seen will make her love me less . Please mummy don’t stop loving me. Time drifts slowly . My mind switching to times of security , look how happy daddy is throwing pebbles and his smiles instantly reflects upon mine , dark clouds roll in, daddy I can’t see you , please come back , don’t leave me daddy I need you , within seconds im brought back to the torment . Fixating on the squirrels through The panned glass windows , desperately seeking reassurance through my siblings , who happily play upon the green outside , I wish i was that squirrel , look at him scurry up that tree . I can hear the grandfather clock ticking and toking , muffled conversations between her and his wife . Why won’t he stop , im screaming inside , why won’t he stop? Is this how long eternity is? I want to go home . Where’s daddy? He should be back soon . I Wriggle Once more , I search inside myself for the strength to find My voice “mummy, where’s daddy?” She frowns, scolding my thoughts , leaving me in the darkness , isolating me until today .


The Child Army Of Four

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