I’ve always been hesitant to acknowledge my experiences , the fear of becoming vulnerable and weak, steered me away instantly . In today’s society , emotions show weakness , were judged on our ability to manage experiences . But today , I recognised that showing emotion , shows strength. A strength that we should be proud of . Through out moments of my life , for one reason or another , my words felt silenced , spoken but never heard . Today , I didn’t just find my voice , I found me . A lighter , stronger version of me . A life long set of chains binding me , terrified of disminishing every link in the chain, hands no longer shaking .
Previously I held those links in a bundle , releasing my grip, I run my fingers around the links, one by one.
The rusty chain unravels beneath me. The first link represents my first childhood memory , a memory that I held onto , fear of acknowledging it, fear of the darkness that would be released in unkinking the chain. I’ve been so fearful of my ability to regain control. A control that I never had before . I’ve gained controlled , I’m ready.
Every link represents moments or memories in my life . A life that kept spinning . Courage raged through me , no longer stopping as I ran up hill and no qualms if it was not done perfectly . Today I took control and I feel relieved . A never ending toxic circle stopped , I was ready and I’m content . For so long I’ve allowed a lower standard of treatment towards myself , emotionally self harming causing regret and guilt for never allowing myself to ever feel enough, not just enough for others , but enough for myself . I mauled my own tongue of emotions until I was unable to recognise what they were and how to deal with them , in fear of failing myself . The biggest regret was not dealing with it sooner , but I strongly believe that certain opportunities like the ones presented to me recently , are here to help my transition in knowing me, becoming a better and stronger version of me . To anyone reading , I must sound like a complete lunatic !! I use to become so distraught within my own thoughts , by passing experiences because I truly believed I’d buckle . But I haven’t . Slightly hesitant in successfully dealing With them yes , but never completely disregarding them . I’ve become to know various versions of me and everytime they become more confident. Finding me is an ongoing battle , partially my own fault , fear is a number one restrictor , like a never ending series of restrictor xfactor- it always makes the finals !!